Previously my daughter couldn't care less about being adopted. She had no interest in "china mom". When the opportunity presented itself I would see if she wanted to talk about it. Her answer was usually something like, "What's for dinner?" But then....she turned 6. Everything changed.
Riley has been 6 for less than 2 months. In that time a new side of her emerged. One night I came into her room to find her sobbing in her bed. "I miss my China mom." She explained. "I want to go home now. I don't belong here." Boy, I was so not prepared for this sudden turn of events. The conversation lasted a long time. "Why did she not choose me?" my daughter asked. I realized that she had been processing this in her mind for a long time. It was just now finally coming to the surface. I did my best to comfort her and tell her it's ok to feel sad. My heart was breaking too. What was previously a happy confident child, I know see a broken spirit. One who understands quite well what happened to her and can't make sense of it. How can we make sense of adoption when its foundation rests on such a tragic event?
We've had several tough conversations since then. Before age 6 Riley had zero interest in art. I could never get her to hold a crayon or paintbrush. But lately art is all she wants to do. I give her paints and put on some relaxing music. She paints pictures from China. Her China mom. Us coming to get her. She paints this over and over again. I realize she is using art as therapy and it is helping her process things. So her journey continues.
It is fascinating to see her mind at work. She seems to realize the tragedy and the beauty of her situation now. Yesterday in the car and totally out of the blue she said, "Mom, I'm glad I'm adopted."
(with our wonderful Guangxi guide in China and our new baby in 2004)
(Reunited 2 1/2 years later at our agency's reunion celebration in 2006)
