3 Common Misconceptions by Me and Other Adoptive Families

Since being and adoptive parent for nearly 5 years, I’ve learned a lot about adopted children. There were things we experienced with our first daughter but we were so clueless back then. Brining in a second child has brought on a whole new wave of issues for our oldest. So we are revisiting a lot of things with her right now. We also have a basis of comparison that we didn’t have before- two girls with completely different back-grounds. And we just know a lot more now. What follows are some very common things I often hear adoptive parents say. I used to subscribe to 2 of the 3 statements, myself. But I now think differently.

1. My child is from one of the “good” orphanages.
Totally guilty on saying this one. We got to tour the orphanage of our first daughter. But as is common with these visits, we weren’t allowed to see the baby rooms. The grounds sure were nice though. And the fact that there were only 50 babies in this orphanage made us happy that the nanny/child ratio must be pretty good. Did I mention we didn’t get to see the baby rooms? Hmmmm, why do you suppose that is? The nanny/child ratio may be better than other places, but it is still an institution and it is most likely run like an assembly line. Our first daughter was malnourished when we got her and both our girls were quite sick upon receiving them. This should tell us plenty about the kind of “care” they received.

2. I’m so glad we’re getting an infant. Infants have less “issues” than toddlers.
Again. Guilty as charged. I was thrilled to learn our first daughter was only 9 months at referral. I knew the transition would be tough for her, but I assumed because she was so young, we wouldn’t see any weird long-term behaviors or signs of trauma. When we got our 2nd referral for a 2 year old, I must admit I was nervous about adopting a toddler. After 2 years of not having a family, we knew it would be rough and we expected to see some difficult behavior from her.

3. I’m so glad my child is in foster care and not an orphanage.
Ok, I never bought this one. And I never liked it. Our first daughter was in the orphanage the whole time, so of course I didn’t like this statement! But, why would we assume that because a child is in foster care that their situation is somehow better? I’ve heard plenty of stories where these fostered children showed signs of physical abuse. We think these fostered kids are being loved and well cared for. But forget that the people watching them are being paid to do so. I have seen zero evidence that fostered kids come home better adjusted than orphanage kids. (And we now have one of each.)

I want to share what we have experienced with our girls. They have totally opposite histories. My point here is that I’ve grown tired of my inaccurate assumptions about adopted kids. We are just now starting to see the full scope of our kids’ issues and I’m sorry that it took me so long to “get it.”

Fist Daughter: adopted at 11 months, orphanage the whole time
1. Malnourished on Gotcha Day, respiratory infection
2. Would raise her arms over her head, turn her head to the side, and appear to be searching for her bottle. Would make a “sucking face” as if trying to find bottle. Used as comfort mechanism.
3. Wanted to sleep with all her possessions in the crib with her
4. Excessive breath-holding spells, sometimes 3 or 4 a day. Complete inability to regulate emotions.

Second Daughter: adopted at 24 months, foster care
1. Severe bronchitis on Gotha Day, body covered in bug bites
2. Diagnosed with parasites three weeks after being home
3. Cries/whines in her sleep every night
4. Throws fits-of-rage tantrums, screaming until she vomits and refusing comfort during these spells.

What is interesting to me is how different the girls’ backgrounds are, yet how similar their issues are. I have done away with myths about orphanages vs foster care and infants vs toddlers. I think these are things we say initially because we are ignorant and because we want to feel better about our kids’ rough beginnings.
In an upcoming post I’ll go into detail about where our oldest daughter is now with these issues after being with us for nearly 5 years.

Tagging Along with Two

When Riley was a baby she came everywhere with me. I took her to my business meetings, my doctor appointments, my hair-cuts, everything. She was a good-natured kid and anyway we didn't know any babysitters who could watch a kid at 1:00 on a weekday. So she just tagged along and always has.

So... we've been home for 2 months and I'm just now getting that this doesn't work so well with two. The odds of a successful outing diminish RAPIDLY. I took them both to a recent doctor appointment and it was a disaster! Sunder was throwing stuff down the stairs and thinking that was a fun place to play. A few of the doctors ended up babysitting my kids so I could get through the appointment- very embarrassing!!

Today I was a helper in my oldest daughter's classroom. No biggie, right? I've done this before when she was in pre-school. Everytime I drop Riley off at school, Sunder is in heaven playing with all the stuff in the classroom. So I see no harm in bringing her today. She'll just play and be all cute. Again disaster! Sunder suddenly has no interest in the toys. She wants to be held and carried around the classroom. If I set her down...tantrum...disruptive to the whole class. Her few minutes of groundtime, she goes right up to her sister and starts hitting her. Lovely. After 1.5 hours of this we finally have to leave.

So apparently I need to change my ways. I guess it's time to either schedule all my activities at 10:00 at night or find a babysitter :)

Farm Trip and Sibling Update

Riley had school off so yesterday the girls and I went to a local farm and picked raspberries. Riley loved it. Sunder was bored out of her mind and insisted I carry her through rows and rows of raspberry patch.
After all my talk about the girls not liking each other I have to announce that the last two days have been amazing. They have been playing together and being sweet with one another! Riley was doing things I've never witnessed before. She attended to Sunder when she cried saying, "Don't worry, mom, I'll take care of her." And holding her hand and letting Sunder follow her everywhere. Of course not every day will be like this, but as long as we have a good one every now and then!

Thoughts on my Rosy Childhood and Sibling Rivalry

I swear my sister and I were best friends growing up. We played together all day long. I don't recall a single fight (not counting the teen years of course). It now seems pretty ridiculous that I assumed my own daughters would feel the same way with each other. They don't. They are usually either fighting or my oldest is ignoring the little one entirely. Riley seems to want nothing with Sunder. She spends hours in her bedroom with the door closed so she can be away from her. Of course these two girls with polar opposite personalities have only been together for two months. I know their relationship will ebb and flow as all relationships do. But I've had to reconcile with the possibility that they may never like each other much. They may never share the close bond that I had with my sister.

I began to wonder, "Am I idealizing the relationship I had with my sister?" I called my sister and my mom and they both agreed. We did indeed get along fabulously. None of us remembers even an ounce of conflict. But, my mom made a good point during our conversation. She said maybe we only remember the good times because that is mostly what we had. The few bad times had been long forgotten. I hope she is right. I hope that over the years my girls will have many happy times together. Even a few would be nice! And I hope that these are the things they remember when they look back on their relationship with each other.

Life on the Other Side

I spent over 2 years imaging what life would be like once this adoption was done. At the time I didn't realize just how much "The Wait" consumed me. I knew it was one of the hardest things I've ever endured. I knew I spent way too much time scouring the rumor websites and crunching numbers in a desperate attempt to make sense of what was happening to us. But now that I'm on the other side I truly see just how consuming the wait really was.

Many people told me, "Once that new child is placed in your arms the months of waiting will disappear." This was not the case for me. Once I learned my baby had waited for a family almost as long as we had I was even more disgruntled with the whole thing. I have no feelings of nostalgia for the last 2.5 years of my life. I'm a pretty easy-going person. I did all the right things to "keep living my life" during the wait. We went on a fancy vacation. We bought a new house. I worked like a dog growing my business. But still every second in the back of my mind was the question WHEN and WHY SO LONG? My oldest daughter did not have 100% of her mom because 50% of my heart was still in China searching for the final piece of our family. I feel like my oldest was a bit cheated out of her mommy during that time, but I couldn't help it.

Since being home the best thing is getting to know our new family of four. But the second best thing is all the free mental capacity I now have because I'm not dwelling on waiting anymore. My mind is now open and clear. Corin and I are having so much fun dreaming of our future again and wondering where the journey will take us next. We are again excited about life and loving the present instead of dreaming of an uncertain future. Best of all, my children are finally getting 100% of their mommy every day since my heart and mind is totally in it now.

My heart hurts for those still waiting, especially those who are beyond the 2-year mark. It is tough. Nothing I can say will ease the wait for you. But please know that someday you WILL have your life back and I can't wait to celebrate that with you, my waiting friends.

"yes, I WAS worth the wait!!"

Cling!

We have officially entered the cling stage. Adoptive families typically go through this stage shortly after coming home with their new child. Sunder has explored her home and surroundings and is comfortable with them. Now she is really working on establishing trust with me. Every 5 seconds she wants "Up, please" (or as she puts it, "Uh Beeeee."). She wants to make sure I'm going to be there for her over and over again. And I think it's important to do just that. So she is getting carried all over the place. What makes this tricky is that Riley is also needing a lot of attention, loving, and holding too right now. It was a tiring long weekend with both of them being so needy. They are both going through huge adjustments right now and I'm doing my best to accomodate both of them. I certainly go to bed exhaused each night, but also feeling happy because both girls are processing these huge changes in their lives.