Since being and adoptive parent for nearly 5 years, I’ve learned a lot about adopted children. There were things we experienced with our first daughter but we were so clueless back then. Brining in a second child has brought on a whole new wave of issues for our oldest. So we are revisiting a lot of things with her right now. We also have a basis of comparison that we didn’t have before- two girls with completely different back-grounds. And we just know a lot more now. What follows are some very common things I often hear adoptive parents say. I used to subscribe to 2 of the 3 statements, myself. But I now think differently.
1. My child is from one of the “good” orphanages.
Totally guilty on saying this one. We got to tour the orphanage of our first daughter. But as is common with these visits, we weren’t allowed to see the baby rooms. The grounds sure were nice though. And the fact that there were only 50 babies in this orphanage made us happy that the nanny/child ratio must be pretty good. Did I mention we didn’t get to see the baby rooms? Hmmmm, why do you suppose that is? The nanny/child ratio may be better than other places, but it is still an institution and it is most likely run like an assembly line. Our first daughter was malnourished when we got her and both our girls were quite sick upon receiving them. This should tell us plenty about the kind of “care” they received.
2. I’m so glad we’re getting an infant. Infants have less “issues” than toddlers.
Again. Guilty as charged. I was thrilled to learn our first daughter was only 9 months at referral. I knew the transition would be tough for her, but I assumed because she was so young, we wouldn’t see any weird long-term behaviors or signs of trauma. When we got our 2nd referral for a 2 year old, I must admit I was nervous about adopting a toddler. After 2 years of not having a family, we knew it would be rough and we expected to see some difficult behavior from her.
3. I’m so glad my child is in foster care and not an orphanage.
Ok, I never bought this one. And I never liked it. Our first daughter was in the orphanage the whole time, so of course I didn’t like this statement! But, why would we assume that because a child is in foster care that their situation is somehow better? I’ve heard plenty of stories where these fostered children showed signs of physical abuse. We think these fostered kids are being loved and well cared for. But forget that the people watching them are being paid to do so. I have seen zero evidence that fostered kids come home better adjusted than orphanage kids. (And we now have one of each.)
I want to share what we have experienced with our girls. They have totally opposite histories. My point here is that I’ve grown tired of my inaccurate assumptions about adopted kids. We are just now starting to see the full scope of our kids’ issues and I’m sorry that it took me so long to “get it.”
Fist Daughter: adopted at 11 months, orphanage the whole time
1. Malnourished on Gotcha Day, respiratory infection
2. Would raise her arms over her head, turn her head to the side, and appear to be searching for her bottle. Would make a “sucking face” as if trying to find bottle. Used as comfort mechanism.
3. Wanted to sleep with all her possessions in the crib with her
4. Excessive breath-holding spells, sometimes 3 or 4 a day. Complete inability to regulate emotions.
Second Daughter: adopted at 24 months, foster care
1. Severe bronchitis on Gotha Day, body covered in bug bites
2. Diagnosed with parasites three weeks after being home
3. Cries/whines in her sleep every night
4. Throws fits-of-rage tantrums, screaming until she vomits and refusing comfort during these spells.
What is interesting to me is how different the girls’ backgrounds are, yet how similar their issues are. I have done away with myths about orphanages vs foster care and infants vs toddlers. I think these are things we say initially because we are ignorant and because we want to feel better about our kids’ rough beginnings.
In an upcoming post I’ll go into detail about where our oldest daughter is now with these issues after being with us for nearly 5 years.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Torrie,
What a sad story. I totally agree with some of what you said. Foster families are not a "given" that your child is better off. However, I have met many Chinese foster moms that loved the children and those children went on to have very minimal issues after Gotcha Day. What is needed is more training and home checks, strict enforcement of satisfactory care. But I'll still stand by my claim that foster care is the better option over institutional care.
I am so glad that your children are in your life, that they will never again know the sadness of a foster family or an orphanage.
Kay
Wow, what a powerful post. You are wonderful to put this out there for everyone. I must admit that i am nervous about getting Piper. I just worry that I won't be prepared or I won't be able to comfort her. Just consider me your star pupil...I am a sponge...tell me what I need to know :)
And once again - my heart and sincere respect and admiration go out to you and Corin for opening your lives to your two beautiful daughters. They are so lucky to have you two as loving parents.
torrie,
there is a book called Holding Therapy which was a great resource and very effective in bonding with our daughter who also threw tantrums and vomited.
We would just hold her in our arms and look into her eyes telling her how much we loved her and she would eventually calm and relax.
Amazing. And sad. This could be the story of my two girls because it's so similar. But I have to wonder what someone would have thought if they'd inherited my bio son at age 24 months. He had more than his fair share of quirks: totally potty trained during the day (from age 14 months) but not dry at night until age 12. Febrile Seizures until age 3. Had to sleep with a TV or bright lights on, etc. But he was just an otherwise normal kid and he's 20 years old now and doing great.
For the sake of our kids, I really hope we read too much into their early experiences but it's so hard to dismiss them completely because they're so sad. For example, my son had febrile seizures but he had his mommy there with him 24/7 through it all.
Your kids are lovely and they seem to be thriving. It's the best I can hope for my kids too.
Donna
Our Blog: Double Happiness!
Post a Comment