Previously my daughter couldn't care less about being adopted. She had no interest in "china mom". When the opportunity presented itself I would see if she wanted to talk about it. Her answer was usually something like, "What's for dinner?" But then....she turned 6. Everything changed.
Riley has been 6 for less than 2 months. In that time a new side of her emerged. One night I came into her room to find her sobbing in her bed. "I miss my China mom." She explained. "I want to go home now. I don't belong here." Boy, I was so not prepared for this sudden turn of events. The conversation lasted a long time. "Why did she not choose me?" my daughter asked. I realized that she had been processing this in her mind for a long time. It was just now finally coming to the surface. I did my best to comfort her and tell her it's ok to feel sad. My heart was breaking too. What was previously a happy confident child, I know see a broken spirit. One who understands quite well what happened to her and can't make sense of it. How can we make sense of adoption when its foundation rests on such a tragic event?
We've had several tough conversations since then. Before age 6 Riley had zero interest in art. I could never get her to hold a crayon or paintbrush. But lately art is all she wants to do. I give her paints and put on some relaxing music. She paints pictures from China. Her China mom. Us coming to get her. She paints this over and over again. I realize she is using art as therapy and it is helping her process things. So her journey continues.
It is fascinating to see her mind at work. She seems to realize the tragedy and the beauty of her situation now. Yesterday in the car and totally out of the blue she said, "Mom, I'm glad I'm adopted."
8 comments:
Wow! Your post gave me goose bumps. With Paige the only question that comes up regularly is, "Why didn't I get to be in your tummy like Luke & Jack?" And I think it is interesting that she is insistent that she does not want to have a baby in her tummy. She wants all her children to come from China. Here are these little minds trying to grasp something I really can't grasp. They are strong girls and oh how I love them all. Miss you guys!
Thank you for sharing how Riley is feeling and thinking. My heart aches for when that conversation will occur with our children and I hope that we can help them work through those feelings, like it sounds like Riley is working through it.
This is much like Nicole after she came back from our trip to China to get Andrea. For almost a year things would come up and I feel like she had a real grieving for her birth family and torn between two families. When things weren't going her way, she would dream of what it would be like in China. It wasn't until I mentioned that it was okay to love both families and that she would always be loved by both, that she finally felt settled with things and can easily talk about her feelings. Andrea on the other hand asks questions but the topic doesn't last long before she changes the subject. She just isn't ready to go there with ease yet.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I can only imagine everything her little heart is processing, but I truly love the "ending." I bet you were beaming when she said that.
Hi Torri. WOW! What a sad but very powerful story. My daughter is 5.5 and doesn't have an interest in talking about it either. I am so fearful of walking into a room and seeing her weeping for her BM. Whe she gets mad she already says she doesn't belong here... Makes me wonder now...
OH, the love we feel for these girls.
Your Riley is sure a cutie. Do you live in Colorado????
I put food coloring in the bath water and I also have Isabella do dishes. It helps calm her so I throw in tupperware for her to wash with lots of dish soap and food coloring too. She loves it and will stay there for close to an hour. If she was a little stressed before, by the time she's done she feels good and it's a way she can 'self regulate'
You'll have to keep us posted on how she does and her new journey to discovering herself through her adoption.
I know this day will come and I thank your for the insite in how you handed it. I so hope that the video of your jouney to China to get her also helps her see how much we love her.
Lydia has been processing "First Mommy" for about a year now. She says she misses First Mommy very much and wants to find her and she has created an entire China imaginary family. Brothers, sisters, father, a dog etc. whom she "talks" to often. We try to "keep it real" and be as honest as we can. So far Liddy hasn't personalized any of this. But that day will come and I hope for the best but continue to prepare for the worst. Keep up the good work. It's tough, but it sounds like you are doing great!
Much love and support from Kentucky!
Lissa
Wow, that is so intense. You are such a good mom for helping her process - I think I would have freaked out! It sounds like it's going to be challenging. How great that she's now able to express through her art.
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